Second Break
by MyQuantumTheory
Summary: After Emily realises she can't settle back into her old life and relationship with Hotch and moves across an ocean, they have a conversation that allows them both to start moving on. (For a oneshot this is super hard to summarise...)


**Author's note: Hi! This is dedicated to thesasstronaut, who left the 100th review on _In the Dark_. I did a oneshot giveaway because (1) it was a fun way to say thank you for all the support on that story, and (2) it was a sneaky way to try something I'd never have thought to try writing on my own. So here you go, thank you so much for the suggestion, and I hope you like it.**

* * *

Emily stands out on her balcony, leaning against the rail and watching London happen around her. It's cold, but she has a big collection of knitwear now, and she likes being out here. She likes how small everything looks, and how small it makes her feel – she chose a flat that was as high up as she could get in the area she wanted, because it makes her feel more secure. She knows it's an illusion, and hopefully an unnecessary one now, but you can't take the BAU out of the girl. London is a good match for her – it is one of those cities that never seems to slow down, and she finds it comforting. She doesn't like silence very much, and she doesn't like complete darkness. There's none of that here.

There are some sticking points – the phrase 'my team' will always mean her BAU team to her, so she avoids using it at work at all costs. And god she misses them. There are people she meets for drinks or coffee now and then, but she has finally realised what it's like to try to really be friends with people when you're their boss all day – she admitted this to Hotch a couple of months ago, and he gave her an _I told you so_ look.

She glances inside when she thinks of him, toward her open laptop. She's waiting for his Skype call. It's almost midnight for her – so almost seven for him – and he'll be home soon. She is not looking forward to this conversation. They used to chat at least once a week, but they've slowed it down now. It wasn't doing either of them any good – more an addiction than a friendship, it felt like a poor, painful replacement for pillow talk. Their relationship was one in a long line of things that she couldn't settle back into after Doyle, and Paris. She loved him so much but she couldn't get comfortable again, she couldn't feel at home in DC, and it started to show. And she had to leave.

Her phone pings – an email on her personal account. She silences her work one after 9pm. She opens it, chewing her lip. '_Is it tonight? You're doing the right thing Em. We're thinking of you. JJ & PG x_'

In a moment of television-worthy perfect timing, she hears the Skype call come in. She takes a deep breath, goes inside and answers. His face pops up on her screen and she smiles. "Hey."

"Hi," he says, smiling back. "How are things?"

"They're okay," she says. She's not supposed to give anyone details about work, obviously, and neither is he, so they're vague. "We might actually be making progress on something I thought we'd have to put on the back burner." He smiles – he's genuinely happy for her, and the realisation is a punch in the gut when she thinks of why they're having this conversation. She actually crosses her arm over her stomach, as if she can soothe the ache. "So what about you?" she says, keeping her voice light. "How are things?"

"Okay," he replies. "We've been in DC for the last few days. The last case was pretty bad, but we got a girl home to her parents…" He shrugs. She misses cases like that.

"And you're okay?"

"I'm okay."

He doesn't really look okay. He looks tired, and worried. She drops her head for a second to gather herself, then looks back. "Aaron."

He's doesn't answer, just waits for her to go on.

"JJ told me that you're seeing someone. Beth?" She can tell by his face this is what he's been worried about, and the part of her that still wants to wrap him up in her arms and protect him is relieved. If it had been the case, there would have been nightmares. This is just uncomfortable. "She said you're holding back," she continued. "That Rossi invited everyone over and you didn't invite her. And you're being… Withdrawn and weird."

"It's not…" he begins, and she gives him a minute to complete the thought, but he just shakes his head. "I don't know, Emily."

"What don't you know?" she says.

"I don't know if I'm ready."

Emily sighs. "Tell me about her," she says, trying to keep the sadness out of her voice. "What's she like? How did you meet?"

Reluctantly, he starts to speak, and she listens. JJ and Garcia have already told her some of what he's saying, and some of what he isn't. He doesn't mention, for example, that she has dark hair and is half a head shorter than him in heels and has almost exactly her figure. And she tries not to think about it – he's allowed to have a type, right? She hates herself for letting this bother her – she was the one who ended it, the one who chose to leave. But it doesn't feel like a choice, and that's what hurts. She _had_ to leave. They both got their hearts broken.

She sees him watching her as he speaks, so she doesn't let anything show on her face. She smiles in the right places, and when he seems to be wrapping up she says, "What are you waiting for? She sounds great." She hears that come out sadder than she meant it to, and sees the guilt in his face, and she gives up on her façade. "Listen," she says. "I'm going to lay my cards on the table." She feels the tears rising in her throat before she even starts to speak, but she does it anyway. He's seen her cry enough times now that it's stupid to put on her brave face for him. "I never stopped loving you – you know that. And I wish I didn't have to leave, but I did. And I'm -" She swallows hard, choking back tears, and his eyes are heartbreaking so she looks at his tie instead. "I'm so sorry. But you have someone amazing, someone you really care about and who really cares about you, right there in DC. You deserve to grab that opportunity."

He watches her as she pulls herself together, and she knows he's wishing he could reach out and take her hand. She's wishing too, but that's the problem. Wishing isn't getting them anywhere, and now it's holding him back, and she can't let that happen...

"I'm sorry," he says, and it's the quietly intense voice she fell in love with, and she starts to ask why but he continues, "I'm sorry this is hurting you. I'm sorry you had to leave. I'm sorry I couldn't… I wish it could have been different."

"I know," she says thickly. "I do too."

"I do like her," he admits, in the kind of tone of voice he might use to confess to a bank robbery.

She smiles a little. "That's not such a terrible thing," she says. "Has she met Jack?"

"Yes," he says, and from his voice she knows it went well, and she doesn't ask any more because she can't bear to hear the answer.

She studies his face for a few seconds. He looks sadder than before, but less worried. She feels she's probably done all she can, and she's having a hard time holding herself together now. "I need to go, it's late," she says, and it's a bad excuse because she used to stay up until 4am just to talk to him. But they can't do that any more, and she tells herself that if she stops doing it then she'll stop wanting it. "Aaron?"

"Yeah?"

"If you're going to learn anything from me, learn that nothing is ever what it could be if your heart is only half in it."

He drops his eyes for a couple of seconds, and when he looks back they're shining. He nods. "Thank you," he says, and he can't say anything else.

"Bye," she replies, and then she can't either, and the call ends and she pulls a blanket down from the back of the sofa and wraps it around herself, pulls it up over her head and cries. She's lucky to have the life she has now and she loves it, but that doesn't make it any less painful that somebody else has the one she really wants. With Hotch and Jack and a home in Virginia that actually feels like a home and doesn't have Ian Doyle looming over it. It's time to let go, she knows that. So she does what she's been avoiding doing – she tucks all of the memories she has of him, of them, into a box in her mind and files them away. She won't forget, she doesn't want that. But she'll always be miserable if she can never think about him without feeling his arms around her and his breath on her neck…

When she's almost all cried out, she calls JJ. "I did it," she says, her voice dazed.

JJ pauses, and he voice is soft when she replies, "How do you feel?"

There's a long silence, then a sniffle and, "I miss you."

* * *

**Thank you for reading. The request from thesasstronaut was to do 'a oneshot angst-y thing where Emily (post-relationship with Hotch) finds out about Beth and calls Hotch from London to tell him she approves of his moving on from her, even though she's totally torn up inside. Especially since she was told Beth even somewhat looks like her'. And I was terrified of that prompt because I love Hotch and Emily and I am not so much of a Beth fan, but I really enjoyed writing it and it was something I'd never have tried without being asked so _yay for readers and requests and oneshot giveaways_! Please please review :)**


End file.
